Norfolk Talk

Cloacal Humour

Read at your own risk

1. : Government Health Warning

As suggested in Chapter L, many Norfolk expressions
depend upon faeces (animal or human) for their . . .
err . . . pungency, and shock-value.
This is unsurprising in a county which has
not relied exclusively upon arable farming.

However, other peoples' sensibilities
are not always ignored.
A Norfolk farm-hand is quite prepared to use a
common euphemism, such as 'lavatory' or 'toilet',
to describe his beloved shit-house[1].
Moreover, the more genteel term "muck-spreading"
is in general use; although most people are[2] clear
as to the origins of the said muck.

We have already noted that getting hold of the wrong
end of the stick is a common expression throughout
the country.
Needless to say, the word 'wrong' is replaced by 'shit'
in our rural community; whose members would have
actually used a large stick in the field or farmyard for
various unsavoury purposes - and do need to
remember how to pick it up !.

[1] This was normally a separate structure, some way
from the dwelling; albeit on a relatively tiny,
square ground-plan.
Hence hefty, bulky, 'solid' persons are often
described as - built like a brick shit-house.
[2] Rather - were, before artificial fertilisers arrived.

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2. : In The Field

Apart from sticks, shovels are often used :
to clear heaps of one kind or another.
Animal dung, especially when wet, is difficult to
retain on the shovel for long. Persons performing
a task ultra-speedily are said to go like shit off a shovel.

The said dung can be found in all parts of a field,
if not devoted to arable produce. A sharp-witted or
industrious person who is (colloq.) "all about" is
like shit in a field.

A farmyard animal, falsely accused of being dirty,
is the pig.
They are intelligent and friendly creatures; hence the
description of somebody very happy (in their work
or leisure) - happy as a pig in shit.

3. : Domestic Woes

Unwanted excreta within the home comprise
an even more unpleasant subject. A person
suffering from diarrhoea is said to shit over nine edges.
Sadly, I am quite unable to explain what
the nine edges are attached to; nor why
there are 9 of them (i.e. not a biblical 7).

Particularly unfortunate is an involuntary excretion
which occurs in bed, especially when old-fashioned
woollen blankets are implicated.
These are infamously difficult to clean.
Any similar recalcitrant substance or immovable item
is said to stick like shit to a blanket.

By the same token, a person turning up early for work
in the morning is asked : "Have you shit the bed?".

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4. : Other Folk

A colleague or friend, who is unresponsive and
looking very miserable, may be said to have
'Got out of the wrong side of the bed'.
An alternative Norfolk question can be put
to him/her, to attempt to lift the mood :
"Who has shit in your path?".

A person appearing to be in a very dismal mood
is described as - "...looking lke a basket of chips
going to Hell to be burnt".

A particularly stupid person may be sorft as shit;
while a more unwelcome one is -
as ignorant as pig-shit and twice as nasty.

Somebody telling tall tales, or
making unlikely promises,
can be told :- "I have heard ducks fart before".

The matter of ducks has been mentioned elsewhere.
Of course, 'rectum' was, in practice, delivered as arsehole.

A bright new object is said to -
Shine like a shilling on a sweep's arse.

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